Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Asking for advice, rambling, raving and venting...

WARNING: Contains some RL information about myself, a description of why I've been gone, and a young fool asking for advice about how to deal with it.

Let me preface this with a few things. Firstly, let me say that I've never been good with expressing my emotions, be it in speech, writing, or any other medium, so if something doesn't make sense just keep reading, hopefully it will sort itself out in your head. I would normally never tell anyone online ANYTHING about my real life, but I feel like if I don't say something to SOMEONE soon my head and my heart are going to explode. Secondly, chances are I'm younger than just about everyone reading this post, but I hope that my age will not affect your reaction to whatever I'm about to type that I haven't thought out yet. I'm 18 years old, I will be 19 on the 21st of this month, and everything I felt during my time with her was more real than anything I've ever experienced.

My relationship with Payton had lasted 3 years, 2 months and 18 days... It started when I was a sophomore in high school, and she had not even been an 8th grader for more than 3 months. It's a bit of a long story to describe how we met, but long story short, our first chat wasn't face-to-face, but screen-to-screen. She was 13 at the time, and I was 15 - at first I didn't think she would be anything more than someone to talk to when I was bored, and even the month following that first text I was astonished at how wrong I was. After we "pretend-dated" for about a month, as I like to call it, we were finally able to meet face to face for the first time. Even then, she was more beautiful than any girl I had dated... The butterflies in my stomach fluttered harder than they ever had the first time I laid eyes on her.

A month after that she had her 14th birthday party - she went ice skating and invited a bunch of her family and friends I had never met before. All in all it was a decent day - despite the fact that I had to hold her hand like a 2 year old to keep from falling on my ass, which looked even more odd given the fact that I'm well over a foot taller than she is.

Two months after her birthday came my 16th birthday. I got $100 which I had to use to pay for summer school because I failed Algebra I my freshman year, I got the best hand-made card ever from my little sister, and she got me a key chain with my name on it from when she went to the Hoover Dam a week or so beforehand. The items I most recall, though, were the heirlooms of both my deceased grandfather's - from my dad, a large ring with a metal ram's head between a piece of Onyx and a piece of Turquoise, and a bull's head necklace that belonged to his father, who passed just before I turned 7 years old. From my mom, a small brass ring inscribed with his initials - DC - and a jade backing, which belonged to her father who died not long after she turned 2 years old.

Fast forward two years.

Our relationship is going great as far as I'm concerned. The day of my 18th birthday, I take her into my room and have her stand in the center of the room with her eyes closed. I kneel before her in true proposal style, and when she opens her eyes she is looking at the brass ring, inscribed with DC (which happened to be my first and middle initials IRL) and I tell her that, although we are still young and have a long life ahead of us, that I want to marry her, and my grandfather's ring will serve as a promise ring until the time is right when I can - and should - buy her a real engagement ring, complete with diamonds, a cheesy lovey-dovey engraving, the works. She jumps and squeals in excitement, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself. After a day together we have Famous Dave's with some of my family (over half of whom left the party before they even ordered their food) and the only friend I had at the time that wasn't her.

Fast forward to two months ago.

I'm spending the day with her at her mom's house, when she asks me if it's alright that her mom have a small get-together for a friend whose birthday had passed recently and they hadn't had the chance to celebrate. Of course I said I didn't mind, I didn't want to put off someone's birthday party, no matter how small it may have been, just because I wanted to see my girlfriend. After dinner and a movie in the living room, it's made clear to me that the birthday-woman's daughter, best friends with Payton, was spending the night, which frustrated me a little bit because I hadn't know about it. After a slightly frustrating call to my parents trying to figure out if I should stay the night a second night in a row or have my dad come get me (To this day I don't have my own car, and at that time I didn't have my driver's license either) it was decided that I was staying the night too. I tried to be understanding of the fact that me staying a second night was a fluke and she probably had planned to spend more time with her friend than with me that night, but I couldn't help feeling hurt when she said she was going to bed and the two of them went into her bedroom to talk for over two hours before they finally fell asleep, and I was left alone with my thoughts on the couch.

The next day, her friend finally leaves at 4 PM, and that was when things took a steep and unrecoverable nosedive. She noticed I was looking upset, and I told her what was on my mind. I told her that I really wasn't a fan of the fact that she blatantly asked me if she could spend time with her friend when we didn't get to see each other very often. I told her that I wasn't too happy that she stayed up literally hours after she told me she was going to bed when she could have been spending some of that time with me too - after all, she sees the girl EVERY DAY at school. I told her how jealous I was of the things she had in life - a family that loves her, even though nearly everyone in it has gone through at least one divorce, whereas over half my family left my birthday because they don't like restaurant barbecue and gave no thought as to how I would feel about it. I was jealous that she had more friends than I did, I was jealous that both her parent's houses were actually houses - how her and her mother live alone in a 3 bedroom house, and her dad and stepmom also live in a 3 bedroom house - while my family of 5 was (and still is) stuck in a 2 bedroom apartment over 15 miles away from either of her houses. I told her how jealous I was that she got her first car before she got her learner's permit, and how jealous I was that she will most likely take a trip to the UK this summer for 2 and a half weeks, spending less than a quarter of that time actually learning but still getting college credit, and how it wasn't fair for her to complain about her parents' financial situation when this little Euro trip was costing her over $8,000.00.

After a few more minutes of arguing, I took my grandfather's out of my shirt pocket (I had snuck it in there an hour or so earlier while she was in the restroom, as I had anticipated this fight) and told her that I was taking it back. She asked why, and I, unfortunately, answered honestly. I told her it was because I didn't know where we stood in our relationship, and if things became worse I didn't want her to get vindictive. For the first time she actually yelled and swore at me at the same time, yelling at me to "get the fuck out of her house." Her mother heard the commotion and stopped me as I was about to leave, trying to convince the two of us to sit down and talk to one another. Realizing I had fucked up pretty badly, I agreed to try, but convincing Payton wasn't so easy. I waited well over an hour and a half, listening to her sobbing through the door between words as she explained to her mom what happened. When she did finally show her face, I spent most of the time apologizing and trying to get her to say something. After a while of her saying nothing she got up and went back into her mom's bedroom. I wrote her a heartfelt apology letter, left the note and the ring on top of her computer, and went home.

We texted a bit more the next day, to my own horror. She explained to me that she felt like she was "missing out" on some part of being a teenager because I was the only boyfriend she had ever had. She felt like she was missing out on having a crush on someone and them not knowing it, or having a mutual crush on someone and both of them being too shy to act on it, or what it's like to have an "ex." Having had more than one girlfriend, I didn't understand the feeling she was having but I tried to be supportive and told her everything I could think of convince her that those feelings would go away, and the reason she hadn't experienced those things yet was because she was lucky enough to have already found a good enough guy. She said that it wasn't the first time she'd been having these feelings, and since it wasn't the first time there obviously had to be something wrong. I realized there was no convincing her, so I went to her house, 20 miles across town.

We sat and talked face to face, with me again trying to fix things and her telling me that there was no way. She gave me an unfortunate ultimatum - either we would "take a break" (an option that has never ended well for me in the past), or we just break up right there and then. Her exact words were "If you won't give me the space I need to sort out my feelings, I'll have to take it for myself." I hesitantly asked for my grandfather's ring back, and after a long and painful hug I left, ring in hand, to go home and cry myself to sleep.

After that night I vowed to do everything I possibly could to make her re-realize her feelings for me again. She said there was no way I was going to make her, nor did she want to, re-realize anything. It was at that point I knew I had little chance of ever fixing it, but I was still willing to try. Two weeks later I got my tax return, a whopping $77.00, and I knew where most of it was going. I spend all but $5 of it taking her to dinner and a movie, as a kind of late-Valentine's-Day/early-Birthday/please-love-me-again date. We had a decent time, except for a little bit during dinner when we talked about what had happened. We didn't fight, and the discussion wasn't too serious, but it was still uncomfortable for the both of us.

Less than a week after that, I used the remaining $5 to take a TWO HOUR bus trip to her dad's house for her 17th birthday party, which took place on my own sister's 11th birthday, hoping that might show her a little of how much I was willing to go through just to see her for a few short hours. I spent most of the party watching her and 4 of her friends dance and sing and laugh from afar, broken shortly when another one of her friends decided to play air hockey with me because of how miserable she thought I looked.

The date and dizzying bus ride were to no avail. 10 short days later, she called me after she got home from school and thought it was finally time to end it for good. I could tell tears were running down her face when she told me what brought her to that decision. She said it was because she wasn't in the relationship 100% - she was thinking about how our 4 year anniversary might go, and she "wasn't nearly as excited as she should have been about being with [me] another full year." After much more slow and unsteady discussion, we finally hung up. For some reason, my cell phone jumped out of my hands and tried to throw itself through the wall. Even now I still can't get it to turn on again, plugged in or not.

After I put my SIM card in a new phone, I began texting her again, finally admitting everything I thought was wrong with our relationship. I told her how I hated how 'forgetful' she was (e.g., she forgot to tell me she got a new car, she forgot to tell me her dad and stepmom adopted two little kids, she forgot to tell me they gave them back to the fostercare system before I got a chance to meet them, she forgot to tell me she was going to be in a school musical, little shit like that... It seems like nothing at first, but after a while those straws on the camels back begin to get heavy), I told her how I hated feeling that the relationship was one sided. I hated how she would never, EVER tell me how she was feeling, unless she decided to cut herself with a razor knife, in which case she would only tell me after the fact when there was nothing I could do to talk her out of harming herself. I hated knowing that I knew her better than anyone in the world, and since this school year had started I felt like I didn't know her at all. I hated that even though she knows we get so little time together, she still decides to reallocate her time with me to her friends that she sees literally EVERY DAY in school. I hated how all of our time together was only ever dependent on HER schedule. Most of all, I hated how often we had to fight about all of these topics, again and again and again and again to no avail... Every one of them she knows she could fix, and just wouldn't... I don't think she's ever been so legitimately pissed about anything or anyone, ever.

I should be glad it's over, I think. I was so tired of feeling like her puppet all the time, only ever being with her when she wanted to be, and her forgetting all about my wants and needs as soon as I go back in the case. I was tired of knowing her best and not knowing her, and tired of always feeling like I'm the one who did something wrong when she does or doesn't decide to act a certain way.

But every time I see a picture of her, or a picture of us, my heart sinks to my stomach, my eyes begin to water, and I want her back just as much as I never want to deal with her again. I'm so tired of being torn like this, and I don't know what to do. We haven't talked for 3 weeks as of today, and I still don't know if I should try to get her back or try to move on with my life. I'm losing sleep, too... It's 4 AM, and I have to be up in less than 3 hours.

If I should try to get her back, how should I go about it? What should I say? What if she still won't talk to me? How do I explain my decision to people that I already told I was done with her? How do I deal with their criticisms? How do we start over in a relationship that lasted so long and ended so horribly?

If I should try to move on, how do I stop feeling like shit every time she crosses my mind? How do I get over the fact that I wasted 3 of the best years of my life prolonging something that was never meant to be? How can I ever love someone else as much as I loved her?

I'm hoping someone out there has had at least something of a similar situation in their life time and can help me get through this... She helped me put away the knife for 3 long and happy years, and I don't want to pick it up again...

~D.C.

P.S. New caps in a week or two depending on how I'm feeling

8 comments:

  1. I wish I could offer more help, but as far as I know there isn't any quick and easy way to get over someone you really loved. For me, it's been a matter of time and occupying your days with other things. I don't want to patronize you by saying you're young and have time and will find other people. But it will get easier.

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  2. Doing this on my phone so apologies for bad spelling. I can see in your story that there is a lot of hurt in your life, a ton of pain. I'm sorry for you, you've had a rough go. I've been close to where you are, though to be fair your life sounds like it has been a bit tougher than mine.

    Don't try to get her back. For one I think she probably wasn't good for you in a few ways. I'm sure she was good in some others. Keep in mind how young she is too. She is probably just coming to a point in her life where she is figuring out who she is, she probably isn't ready to be serious, or she has decided she wants to explore life a bit. Let her. You should go do the same. I've got about 10 years on you and I would say that you've likely only begun to discover who you are. Take some time and live for yourself. I'll try to distill this a bit:

    1. There is probably nothing you can do to get her back
    2. She needs to grow up a bit, let her and maybe in time she will come back... Probably not, but time is the only thing that will do it.
    3. Stop texting her, stop phoning her, stop e-mailing her. Delete all her contact info. Every message just makes the pain 1000 times worst. This I know from experience.
    4. Take every item that makes you think of her and every picture (put digitals on a flash drive and delete the originals) put them in a cardboard box, hide that box in the back of the closet and do not look at it for a long long time.
    5. Do stuff that makes you feel good.
    6. If nothing makes you feel good, talk to someone in real life. School councillor, family doctor, therapist. Don't keep it inside.
    7. Keep telling yourself it gets better... Because it really does.
    8. Try to stay busy... The busier you are the less time you have to feel the pain.
    9. Change your cellphone number, last thing you need is her calling you to feel better.
    10. Read a good book. I recommend "The master and Margarita" by Mikhail Bulgakov
    11. Watch Casablanca... Just trust me on this one.
    12. Sleep... Everything is better after sleep
    13. Don't start another relationship right away, that just gets you into a cycle, not a good one either

    That's all I can think of for now.... You'll get through it... Just give it time... Lots and lots of time.

    TTFN,
    Melanie

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    1. Slowly going through your archive. Awesome advice from Melanie who I wish had kept her blog up. Sounds like you moved on and I'm glad for you. Just wanted to chime in with a thumbs up and hug for your efforts and triumphs.

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  3. Do you love this girl or hate her? Because you seemed to have spouted a lot of hatred at her even while trying to get back together with her. I'm not saying you did anything wrong - not my place to judge that. But perhaps you ought to figure out if you're hurt because she's gone, or if you're hurt because she hurt you (not to the exclusion of the hurt you did her - it sounds like neither of you were happy and unscarred by the whole business).

    I couldn't tell you how to move on, though. That completely depends on the person. Some people can move on over a few beers or pints of ice cream. Some people take years to slowly work through the sadness.

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  4. My advice is to try to get your life in line a little bit more before you dive back into the dating game. It's difficult, especially for a young person with a pretty well-off background, to see what kind of sacrifices you're making and recognize them as such. It's actually quite difficult for a lot of people to do that, regardless of age or stature. We only have our own perspectives to color how we view other people's situations.

    I am 30 now, and married. I've been married for two years. What I can say is that I can still quite well remember the crushes and relationships I had when I was much nearer your age. The pain felt a lot more real; the stakes a lot higher. As I've gotten older and had to experience this more the stakes did lower and I became less concerned with the outcome; less emotional investment, if you will.

    When I met my wife, I'd already experienced pain like yours, and perhaps worse, along with people who tried to screw me over on more than just an emotional level. Despite all of that, when I met my now-wife I had no voices in my head telling me to stay the eff away and not once did I see a *major* sign of malcontent with her. We were both on equal footing financially, of similar educational backgrounds, well along in our careers, etc. Our senses of humor matched well and our goals in life the same.

    Maybe I've gotten really lucky, but I'd like to think that everyone out there should try to find a relationship so free of strife.

    Try to figure out it is what you want in life, aside from a significant other, and go for it.

    Good luck!!!

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  5. I know its tough but try to not think about her. I too know you are torn up inside but its not worth it. Keep busy with work or other things, hang with your family/ friends/co-workers, make new friends.

    I went to church to try to keep busy, went to one of the social events they had planned.

    Then i meet my current gf online and there was a movie coming out i wanted to see and asked her if she wanted to come along then we went to my favorite restaurant (which after that closed for some reason)

    One thing i read once is people don't remember true pain - so hopefully it doesn't hurt as much now as it did then and is slowly healing itself.

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  6. Okay, so, I haven't read anyone else's responses yet... and I meant to respond to this post sooner, but I came down with a major case of tl;dr.

    Move on. Move on... MOVE ON!!! You are TOO young to torture yourself, I'm not THAT much older, only about 9 years, but dude, no no no no no, you HAVE to move on, for yourself.

    I've personally never gotten back together with an ex, but I know people who have and I've never seen a re-relationship last.

    You guys were simply together for too long for getting back together to make sense. If it truly worked, you'd still be together.

    That said, it's not IMPOSSIBLE that you'll be together again, but it's unhealthy and even unkind to let yourself hope for that, much-less actively pursue it.


    I take issue with the notion that you "wasted" 3 years of your life with her... I also take issue that those were some of the "best" years, haha, but whose to say on that point?


    You were happy with her, weren't you? She helped you find a better place in your life, didn't she? Having her gave you the ability to spin straw into gold, to focus your negative feelings into positive ones by loving her, I would imagine.
    You might have been and might still be in an exquisite amount of pain and anguish over the loss of her, but that doesn't erase all of the good things she was for you... so no, not wasted, not wasted at all.


    My best advice.... Put her away, in your heart, put her away. Gather up all the good things and all the bad things that she was, that you two were together, put them in a box, thank her for being your companion for the time that she was willing, say goodbye, and put the box away.


    You'll have a hole in your heart for quite some time, and your stupid brain will find every chance to remind you of her, but you'll get better... as long as you go ahead and write, "the end" at the bottom of this draft of your love-life.


    If she wants you to take her back, she'll contact you, but don't count on it, and don't hope for it. Certainly, don't pursue it.

    Say, "thank you, it's done, and goodbye" and you'll eventually convince yourself you mean it.

    You'll be so much better off if you actively strive to believe it, because, like it or not, it's over.




    As to how can you love again? That's the best part, my friend, you don't have to do anything; you just do. One day, when you're minding your own business, it'll hit you that it happened and nobody bothered to tell you.



    How's that for rambling, sir?


    In summation:
    Mourn, cheer up, and move on.


    -Big, and silent until RECENTLY, fan.

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    1. Hey, still Big Fan here, just read Melanie's post. GREAT ADVICE. She thought of all the practical things, while I was trying to address the emotional. You really need both. All of her advice is stuff I recommend/have done too (never changed my phone number, but not answering your phone if she calls works ALMOST as well).

      Keep us up-to-date on how you're doing, alright?

      -Big, and rather chatty, Fan.

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